You

Where were you before? Oh, wait, you were around for quite a while, but where was I looking? Where was I all this time? Locked in my own world? Did you look for me? Did you try to get me out of there? Whatever you were trying to do, you must have succeeded, you know, because I feel free again. I feel strong.

When we're together, I feel perfect
When I'm pulled away from you, I fall apart
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue
I can't look away…
-Evanescence

Your eyes remind me of an ocean. Blue – yes, but also deep, true, real. They give me a flirty smile every now and then or a look so sincere and full of kindness. I don’t know you very well yet, but you seem to be able to love unconditionally. Being with you feels right, it feels safe. It makes me want to be a better person, in every possible way.

Step ahead

I made a step. And another one. The path started clearing up and looking far less scary than it first did. I had to get absolutely lost in order to understand that I was not going anywhere any time soon. I was making circles in the darkness. I was not willing to change the pattern. I was afraid of myself, afraid of what might happen next.

I made a step, I stumbled, and I hit the ground. But to my surprise, the soil turned out soft. I felt the silky fall leaves around me and I could now see their patterns of green, yellow and red. They were the new patterns of my life and I liked them. I rushed ahead in a chosen direction and I knew that not so far ahead, in the clearing, there is a place where I can be happy again.

Sunday was wonderful. You made me feel special in every possible way. I hated Monday for showing up so soon. Will I see you Monday evening? Will you help me as I am getting out of this trap? I feel like cooking for you. You’d better see me Monday evening.

Criminal

I am going to explode. Why do people say things that should not concern them at all? Why does someone have to come along and with good intentions or not, ruin the perfect situation with a single word…? When will my heart stop aching about all this? It must sound like bits and pieces of information but it is all part of my story… Something I got myself into, something I am stuck in, real deep. Something I am trying to get out of without hurting anyone, while knowing that such outcome is impossible. I feel cruel these days, I feel selfish. I keep hearing advice to finally think of myself, but isn’t there responsibility involved when someone else is thinking and caring about you a great deal? How much of that responsibility do you have to bear and for how long? How much of a criminal do you become when you break someone’s heart? …………

Linger

“…I'm in so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger…”
-Cranberries

You asked me once if I ever thought about blogging. I came up with some joke to avoid the answer. I do blog you know. Although will you ever know? Probably not. See, if you know, then I can’t write for you. It allows me to whisper those lines to you… quiet enough for you not to hear.

Crossroads

So tired. So stressed. I wonder which one comes first? It feels like there is no single brain cell in my head not involved in thinking. I haven’t been able to relax my mind for the past week… two… a month? Not sure how long it’s been. How long has it been since my last post? Maybe that long. I’ve kept my sanity so far, so that’s good. It’s always better to look at the positive side. I am at what one of my friends called a “pinnacle.” Not sure if that exactly describes it. I stand at the crossroads and there are several ways which my life can take from here. I have to make a choice, which will decide where I will be in five, maybe 10 years from now… Whom I will be with. Who I will be. Is it really for me to decide? I have to make a step forward, and every time I raise my foot, I feel as if there is no gravity ahead, no stable ground to lean on, I feel like I have to go back… I put my foot back down. This can’t last forever. I will have to make a step. Which direction do I go? Why do I even have to make this step? Can’t things just happen in their natural way, their course, can I at least get a guidance of some kind? I am absolutely lost and I hate having to choose a path that will change my life forever… What if few years down the road I figure out I am on the wrong track? Will I forgive myself? Will people involved in this choice forgive me? I guess I will never know unless I make a move.

Should I toss a coin? My sanity supply will eventually run out if I keep standing. Friends tell me, “take your time.” Why do I feel like I don’t have any? Why do I feel like this pressure of thinking will crush me if I don’t take off my “safe spot” relatively soon? I guess I have another week.

Should I give more details? Is there a need? I always feel like more people will be able to relate to this if I don’t say too much. I am relatively new to this type of writing, so I don’t even know what to expect of myself. I know I will open up more with time.