Don't look back

I slowly peel the label off a beer bottle. Alone in the dark, my beer bottle and I, and added to our company are now the hair-thin pieces of paper. I asked you that last night, when you were still around, not to do so. Why did it matter? I don’t know why.

I walk around the patio philosophically holding my cigarette, just like you did, pretending to be a smoker. I take off my shoes and walk across the lawn barefoot. I taught you that one and you liked it. We both leaned to the ground and I told you the grass on that lawn was fake. You agreed. Did we really have so little in common? I made mistakes and you might not ever give me a chance to correct them. I was tired and unsure, but did I really take so many wrong steps as to deserve the ice-cold bucket of harsh words you poured on me that Sunday morning? The world gets wet and salty every time I think that you might have gone from loving to hating. I am so angry I’d jump at you and beat you up the moment I saw you for what you did to my heart, and I’d beat you even more for doing it intentionally. I’d beat you till you bleed just as I have been all these days. Yet I am so scared to even think I might never see you again.

As I send a little smoke puff up into the sky, I notice a trillion stars up there. I find the brightest one and wish, almost beg the fate, the sky, the summer wind and anyone or anything in this world that might listen, I beg them all to make you look at it too. I don’t know why.

I walk back into the room and leave the patio door open. My heart falls down each time the wind touches the blinds, sounding just like you coming back from one of your short smoke breaks… The loud music wakes me up from this conscious dream and sadly, it’s your music. My eyes make a frantic attempt to run away from your shoes in the corner, but like a helpless child in the dark they stumble upon your book on the coffee table instead. There's too much of you in this place, reminding me constantly of the friendship we didn't treasure... the love that wasn't ours to keep.

Unable to tolerate the loneliness of the room and the wind’s foul play with my senses, I take off into the night. I don’t put the seatbelt on. I used to get angry at you for not doing so. Why did it matter? Wait, I know the answer to this one. Because I didn’t want you to leave any time soon.

Here’s what I want to say…

Why would I wanna see you now?
To fix it up, make it up somehow.
Baby I'll try again, try again,
Baby I die every night, every time.

But what comes out instead is…

You're leaving so soon,
Never had a chance to bloom,
But you were so quick
To change your tune.
Don't look back
If I'm a weight around your neck,
Cause if you don't need me
I don't need you.

Thanks, Keane, for the words that give meaning to my pain.

Broken

Sometimes words hide from me when I need them the most. Sometimes I wish I could speak in tears, in looks, in songs… in silence. If you ever listened to my silence, I mean really listened, you’d hear the beat of the loneliest heart in the world. You knew I was vulnerable but you chose to hurt me nevertheless. I get up and I fall again. I lean on walls. The world is spinning. I hear your voice, again and again. In songs...

I wake up, it’s a bad dream,
No one on my side,
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
to be fighting,
guess I’m not the fighting kind.
Wouldn’t mind it
if you were by my side
But you’re long gone,
yeah you’re long gone now.

It’s Your world, isn’t it. It’s Your freedom, Your fight, Your thirst for Your life. What about My pain? "You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed," said Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's fox in the Little Prince. You ran thousands of miles away from responsibility, you ran toward your freedom. I only wish my heart, too, could be free again. I wish it could be untamed.

I need a place
That’s hidden in the deep,
Where lonely angels sing you to your sleep.
The modern world is broken.
I need a place
Where I can make my bed,
A lover’s lap where I can lay my head,
Cos’ now the room is spinning,
The day’s beginning.

I don’t want to live, I don’t want to wake up into this new day. I don’t want to die either, I just want to slowly cease to exist, fade away like your feeling to me, turn into a fox and run. I think you might respect me more as a fox. I won’t have to worry about money as a fox, because that’s what I worry about, right? I probably won’t feel love, because that’s what I’m pushing away, right? In a simple world of foxes I won’t feel lonely any more. I will feel at ease, because I’m sure foxes are so much more human than many-many humans in this world.

I hope you fly free, if that’s what your freedom is all about. I hope you win your other battles, those you actually believe are worth fighting.

Why do I have to fly
over every town up and down the line?
I'll die in the clouds above
and you that I defend, I do not love.