I cry. Then I am angry for a moment. Then I am sad… devastated. I cry again. I am angry at myself for letting my emotions loose like that. Oh well, at least I am a female.

I am angry for being trustful, for opening myself to people. I want to shut my world down, hang a huge lock and never let anyone in again. I feel miserable. I feel vulnerable.

A friend has just betrayed me to the furthest possible extent the betrayal can go. I trusted him with a secret and he broke it into tiny little pieces, shuttered like some useless glass on the floor, and then walked over it and jumped over it. I haven’t yet decided what’s worse, the consequences of his betrayal or the very act of it.

I haven’t yet decided what to say to him once we talk. I haven’t yet decided if we are ever going to talk again. How can you trust after that? How can you believe in people? I try to pull my thoughts together but they run away, they sip like streams of sand through my fingers, they don’t belong to me any more.


Where were you before? Oh, wait, you were around for quite a while, but where was I looking? Where was I all this time? Locked in my own world? Did you look for me? Did you try to get me out of there? Whatever you were trying to do, you must have succeeded, you know, because I feel free again. I feel strong.

When we're together, I feel perfect
When I'm pulled away from you, I fall apart
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue
I can't look away…

Your eyes remind me of an ocean. Blue – yes, but also deep, true, real. They give me a flirty smile every now and then or a look so sincere and full of kindness. I don’t know you very well yet, but you seem to be able to love unconditionally. Being with you feels right, it feels safe. It makes me want to be a better person, in every possible way.

Step ahead

I made a step. And another one. The path started clearing up and looking far less scary than it first did. I had to get absolutely lost in order to understand that I was not going anywhere any time soon. I was making circles in the darkness. I was not willing to change the pattern. I was afraid of myself, afraid of what might happen next.

I made a step, I stumbled, and I hit the ground. But to my surprise, the soil turned out soft. I felt the silky fall leaves around me and I could now see their patterns of green, yellow and red. They were the new patterns of my life and I liked them. I rushed ahead in a chosen direction and I knew that not so far ahead, in the clearing, there is a place where I can be happy again.

Sunday was wonderful. You made me feel special in every possible way. I hated Monday for showing up so soon. Will I see you Monday evening? Will you help me as I am getting out of this trap? I feel like cooking for you. You’d better see me Monday evening.


I am going to explode. Why do people say things that should not concern them at all? Why does someone have to come along and with good intentions or not, ruin the perfect situation with a single word…? When will my heart stop aching about all this? It must sound like bits and pieces of information but it is all part of my story… Something I got myself into, something I am stuck in, real deep. Something I am trying to get out of without hurting anyone, while knowing that such outcome is impossible. I feel cruel these days, I feel selfish. I keep hearing advice to finally think of myself, but isn’t there responsibility involved when someone else is thinking and caring about you a great deal? How much of that responsibility do you have to bear and for how long? How much of a criminal do you become when you break someone’s heart? …………


“…I'm in so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger…”

You asked me once if I ever thought about blogging. I came up with some joke to avoid the answer. I do blog you know. Although will you ever know? Probably not. See, if you know, then I can’t write for you. It allows me to whisper those lines to you… quiet enough for you not to hear.


So tired. So stressed. I wonder which one comes first? It feels like there is no single brain cell in my head not involved in thinking. I haven’t been able to relax my mind for the past week… two… a month? Not sure how long it’s been. How long has it been since my last post? Maybe that long. I’ve kept my sanity so far, so that’s good. It’s always better to look at the positive side. I am at what one of my friends called a “pinnacle.” Not sure if that exactly describes it. I stand at the crossroads and there are several ways which my life can take from here. I have to make a choice, which will decide where I will be in five, maybe 10 years from now… Whom I will be with. Who I will be. Is it really for me to decide? I have to make a step forward, and every time I raise my foot, I feel as if there is no gravity ahead, no stable ground to lean on, I feel like I have to go back… I put my foot back down. This can’t last forever. I will have to make a step. Which direction do I go? Why do I even have to make this step? Can’t things just happen in their natural way, their course, can I at least get a guidance of some kind? I am absolutely lost and I hate having to choose a path that will change my life forever… What if few years down the road I figure out I am on the wrong track? Will I forgive myself? Will people involved in this choice forgive me? I guess I will never know unless I make a move.

Should I toss a coin? My sanity supply will eventually run out if I keep standing. Friends tell me, “take your time.” Why do I feel like I don’t have any? Why do I feel like this pressure of thinking will crush me if I don’t take off my “safe spot” relatively soon? I guess I have another week.

Should I give more details? Is there a need? I always feel like more people will be able to relate to this if I don’t say too much. I am relatively new to this type of writing, so I don’t even know what to expect of myself. I know I will open up more with time.


I am coming back to my senses. Things straighten up. There are only two scenarios of what happens after you fall. You either keep lying there, your face down; with pain, fury, fear and helplessness all combining into an unstoppable source of tears… Or you get up, shake off the pain and start over again. I made my choice. I get up and walk. I did have to go through the worse scenario first to realize it was not for me. It was short – just a couple of days – but it left a pain burn, a strong mark of something I never want to go back to. I don’t even want to remember how nightmarish I felt and what I thought during those days. I don’t want to go back there although somewhere very deep in the back of my mind I want to remember that it is there, so I can stay alert and never repeat my mistakes.

"A nature like yours can turn trouble into good. All this sorrow will give you strength and point you on a higher way. Think of a tree, how it grows around its wounds. If a branch breaks off, it don't stop but keeps reaching towards the light. We must meet misfortune boldly and not suffer it to frighten us. We must act the play out, then live our troubles down." It’s my favorite quote from “The New World” movie; the words that helped me somewhere on my way back up.
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