Friends and lovers

You came into my life like a light summer rain. You washed away my troubles and you helped me become myself again.

I wish this beautiful summer romance never had to end, but even knowing that it will, I am eager to take the most out of it, savoring every moment with you, every moment of you.

We have 12 days to do as we please, no regrets, no looking back, no prying into the future.

Thanks for showing up in my life and thanks for being so wonderful.

Almost there

I didn’t dream about you last night. I haven’t been thinking about you during daytime for a while now, but I was afraid that I wasn’t really getting rid of those thoughts and only suppressing them. I’d fight so hard and you would defeat me again and again by showing up in my dreams.

Well, I had a good nine-hour sleep last night (I barely ever make it over 5 so this was really good), and guess what… You weren’t there!

Is it really time to say good-bye? I still get flashbacks every once in a while but they are minor and they make me angry rather than sad.

I guess I am in a blame setting stage right now. I read it in “Loveshock” by Dr. Stephen Gullo, the tiny book that does miracles when your heart is broken. It might be the reason I am moving past all of this so quickly, it’s much easier to do when you understand all the little emotions you are going through. I found myself leaving that state of constant sadness, distancing myself from everything that happened and critically evaluating things. How foolish could I be? Of course I deserve better!

A recipe to unbreak your heart

Ok, you have to try this if your heart was broken. Travel somewhere. Visit a friend who has been inviting you forever or a sibling whom you saw a year ago or so behind your job-school-whatever else too busy life. I know, we all are busy, but there are weekends, right? No, no trip is too short, my last one was Friday through Sunday and trust me, it works like magic.

Plan a trip a month or so in advance and take that month to get over yourself and cry all you need, but as the trip nears, look forward to it. Set your mind into an adventure mode, plan, pack, make yourself look pretty, it all helps so much!

I got this idea from a movie. Ok, I quote a lot, but I guess that's what you do being a journalist. Sometimes the quotes you see or hear are so relevant to your current state of mind that you can't resist the urge to jot them down. They make you feel warm inside, telling you, “Chin up! You are not the only one going through this!” They are better yet if they offer a solution to a problem, a practical step that actually works.

“I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.” – Iris (Kate Winslet) in The Holiday movie

I set my mind to good weather, adventure and meeting people who'd make me feel worthwhile. I decided to take the load off my heart and stay cheerful throughout the trip to make sure the people I meet also feel worthwhile around me.

The new place breathes new life into you, it gives you new energy, it makes you feel whole again. It gives you new ideas, something to look forward to. To my surprise, my grief did not come back home with me. I felt as if I came back from a two-week vacation — not a weekend at all — refreshed, strong, eager to experience more of that new independence. A week later, I still feel that. I don’t want to go back to crying. Why would I?

There is a whole world out there ready to embrace you, as soon as you are ready. Pack your bags and leave!

I hope this helps someone else as it helped me. And I hope no one stays heartbroken for a long time, it’s such a dark place to be. Get out of there, and even if you don't travel, do something for a change or treat yourself to something nice, you know you deserve it.

Moving on

I started packing today. I will be moving soon, you know. I am not moving to something I wish or want or something waiting for me in another city. I hate leaving the town I am so used to, the town with all the familiar places and people I care for. But I am willing to start anew in order to become me again. I am moving away from here, to my independence, to the future without you.

I know that I have to, I know that if I stay you will keep pulling me into your world with these invisible chains of yours, and unwillingly, you will keep hurting me.

I was trying to cling to our friendship, thinking that the wounds would heal eventually and I could slowly move on. But I cried for an hour in the shower today and once I got out I realized that I can't go on like this. It dawned on me that those aren't my problems I am crying about, it’s you being around and trying to help me out.

I have to learn to deal with this angry world on my own, you know. I can't stay here much longer because every time I see you or hear you my heart starts bleeding again. My strength leaves me and I surrender to the swirl of emotions I'm unable to control. I become something I hate to be, I become weak, I weep uncontrollably and I don’t want to be like this.

This is my good bye to you, my love. I realized today that if I don't set myself free, nobody else will. I hope by the time we see each other again, my heart will heal completely and I will be able to be a good friend to you, the kind you've been to me… after you dared to break my heart.

Finding comfort in writing

My life took several unexpected turns recently and I really felt like writing. Yet every time I sat down in front of my laptop, the screen disappeared behind my tears and the immense pain I felt didn't seem to be willing to leave me in the form of words.

It has been a month now although it seems to have happened in a course of just one night, a single nightmare that sent me rolling down the slope of emotions. I haven't been able to stop yet, unable to control my fears, my pain… my life.

You showed up at my door one night to break my heart. In those several words I heard you breaking everything good that we had, crushing our past and our future, pouring a bucket of icy water into the fire of those six short passionate months together that seemed like eternity. That fire was us, and we burned out too quickly.

You came back next day yet I couldn't forgive you. You lost your feelings somewhere along the way and there was no sense to try to mend a tie that was now so weak. I put my ruthless mask on and pushed you away. We both knew it was the right thing to do, and we both still know it.

I didn't realize letting you go from my heart wouldn't be as easy as closing the door behind you. I was strong the first several days because I was mad at you, and determined to stay strong. But days later, my world started falling apart. I tried replacing you with work, taking on more than I could ever handle, with books that I couldn't concentrate on behind the thoughts of you, with friends in whose circle I would end up drunk, getting back home in tears. I watched movies without paying attention to the plot, I listened to the news on the radio and all I could think about was that I wouldn't be able to discuss them with you. Our engaging conversations seem to be the thing that I miss the most, and I'm sure we'll still have those as friends. But then, why does it hurt so bad?

I am trying to let go of my pain today, releasing it through the tips of my fingers, watching it roll gently on the screen, trying to leave it there. I am hoping that the ability to write again is a sign that my heart is starting to recover. Maybe just a little, one step at a time, I will let my demons go.

Rainy

One thousand falls,

One thousand rains,

You touched my eyes,

Rushed through my veins,

Then left me standing on the slopes,

Touching the leaves,

Counting the drops,

Cold rains and dreams,

And muddled streams,

No sign of hopes.