Triumph of the Heart

There were swamps, slums, gottas, brunks, love songs,
Hidden pleasure, ignored passion, secret worship,
Quiet movement and undisclosed self loving,
Now I know God has brought me here for something


I take a quick glance around the arena as a grumpy bookie elbows me into decision making. The Heart is more likable, but I read weakness in its gentle gestures and innocent smiles. The Mind’s sturdy image emits confidence, and although its gloomy dark robe gives me goose-flesh, there’s no time for a second thought. I make a safe bet. What a chicken, I tell myself.

My head says I lost my way
But my heart knows that my life is destined in anyway
A long road running towards stops where I pay
Pay, pay for what I have taken and is got what I deserving

A few lonely drops run down my spine when I hear the crowd cheering. I wake up from this self-imposed hypnosis to see the Heart on the floor, motionless. Gaudy colors blend with piercing whistles as I escape for the door, ready for all of it to fade away, stay behind, dissolve in the night breeze, disappear and be forgotten.

Needed to search myself to go back
Had no signs of hope before lost in the darkness
Not knowing what my fate makes of me
And oh ignoring the fellowship accompanying me

The clingy hand grabs my sleeve and pulls me back into the noise. It’s not over, the bookie grins. There’s another dose of beating up, slipping down and bleeding away. The winner takes on the Pride. I silently examine the Mind leaping in the corner, dark hood sliding down unnoticed, revealing the confused gaze and moisture on the weary forehead. I am not a big fan of the Pride. Struggling to silent my instincts this time, I bet on the one I believe in, not the one I think looks more promising. I know this attempt to do the right thing comes too late in the game, but I can only make so many mistakes before they start contaminating my soul.

What is the mind without the heart
What am I without my shadow
What is life without knowing that death comes
What is a song without a melody

I feel every drop of blood touch the floor. They burn tiny holes in my head, devouring my thoughts and turning them into blankness. I feel no strength. She can’t afford to lose this one, I hear the coach yell as he throws in the towel. I feel relieved enough to get up and run. Across the isle, up the stairs, onto the ring floor, out of breath and lost for words, I stop and look down, puzzled. I feel nothing. My silence offers little compassion to the Mind. Sorry, I whisper before dashing back through the crowd, past panicky stares and out of their range.

Tell me, won’t you tell me, what your mind is without your heart
Tell me, do you feel, do you feel happiness
When you don’t feel pain
Your heart, your heart, your heart…
Your soul, your soul, your soul…
Say we must destroy in order to rebuild,
In order to rebuild, don’t you know, don’t you know
Your heart, polarity must be for you and me, for you and me...

Somewhere in the back room, I drop to my knees in front of a lonely figure, shattered in its quiet calamity. I give tribute to it and a promise to keep my freedom out of fear’s reach. From this battle on, I choose to tend to the Heart.

Lyrics in this post: Mind vs. Heart by Nneka
Currently listening: Mind vs. Heart by Nneka
Image credit: speak2josie

In between

I found two great friends this summer. One corrupts me. Another one tries to save my soul.

One tempts me with new experiences, unconditional freedom and the joy of surpassing conventional wisdom. Another one refuses to repeat any irrational ways of mine but does not judge me either.

I sense animosity between them. Each one thinks of the other as an extreme, and I am caught in the crossfire.

I need both of them very much. I grew so close to them, I care for both, each one gives me comfort that only a good long-time friend can give, and I feel I can keep my balance as long as I have them both in my life. But I also feel that the darker side is so much easier to fall to. I would like to go there, it seems, stay for just a little, and then come back. When I look that direction, however, I don’t see a turning point. I try to stay on the safe side, but I easily get bored.

I believe people don’t have to adjust their characters in order to be good friends. Minor improvements are good; becoming something you are not isn’t. I feel like I need to stay where I am, in the middle, and I hope it won’t cause losing any of them. I need some moral incentives though, and I need them bad.

Step ahead

I made a step. And another one. The path started clearing up and looking far less scary than it first did. I had to get absolutely lost in order to understand that I was not going anywhere any time soon. I was making circles in the darkness. I was not willing to change the pattern. I was afraid of myself, afraid of what might happen next.

I made a step, I stumbled, and I hit the ground. But to my surprise, the soil turned out soft. I felt the silky fall leaves around me and I could now see their patterns of green, yellow and red. They were the new patterns of my life and I liked them. I rushed ahead in a chosen direction and I knew that not so far ahead, in the clearing, there is a place where I can be happy again.

Sunday was wonderful. You made me feel special in every possible way. I hated Monday for showing up so soon. Will I see you Monday evening? Will you help me as I am getting out of this trap? I feel like cooking for you. You’d better see me Monday evening.

Crossroads

So tired. So stressed. I wonder which one comes first? It feels like there is no single brain cell in my head not involved in thinking. I haven’t been able to relax my mind for the past week… two… a month? Not sure how long it’s been. How long has it been since my last post? Maybe that long. I’ve kept my sanity so far, so that’s good. It’s always better to look at the positive side. I am at what one of my friends called a “pinnacle.” Not sure if that exactly describes it. I stand at the crossroads and there are several ways which my life can take from here. I have to make a choice, which will decide where I will be in five, maybe 10 years from now… Whom I will be with. Who I will be. Is it really for me to decide? I have to make a step forward, and every time I raise my foot, I feel as if there is no gravity ahead, no stable ground to lean on, I feel like I have to go back… I put my foot back down. This can’t last forever. I will have to make a step. Which direction do I go? Why do I even have to make this step? Can’t things just happen in their natural way, their course, can I at least get a guidance of some kind? I am absolutely lost and I hate having to choose a path that will change my life forever… What if few years down the road I figure out I am on the wrong track? Will I forgive myself? Will people involved in this choice forgive me? I guess I will never know unless I make a move.

Should I toss a coin? My sanity supply will eventually run out if I keep standing. Friends tell me, “take your time.” Why do I feel like I don’t have any? Why do I feel like this pressure of thinking will crush me if I don’t take off my “safe spot” relatively soon? I guess I have another week.

Should I give more details? Is there a need? I always feel like more people will be able to relate to this if I don’t say too much. I am relatively new to this type of writing, so I don’t even know what to expect of myself. I know I will open up more with time.