Homeless

My world is falling apart.

I am in a new place, surrounded by new people, but they are not taking bricks out of my walls. My world is falling apart for different reasons. I am surrounded by laughter and phone buzz and road bumps as I fly though the day, and this busyness is making me happy. It’s when my head touches the pillow and the thoughts of work finally slip away, one by one, that I feel the drops burning my cheeks. I feel lost. I feel taken advantage of. I feel lonely in this cheerful crowd. Those nights, I wonder if I can ever be truly happy. What’s wrong with me? Will I ever find a place where I belong, heart, body and soul? Will I ever again meet the people who’ll appreciate me for who I am; not what I can do, whom I know or what I have to give?

Dear home, can you help me find you?

In a city of strangers

Met new friends this weekend. Watched the rain. Explored several new coffee shops, one of which turned out to be a really creepy place. Got lost numerous times although the planning of this town is really simple. Was scared by too much rain on the freeway and must have slowed down the rest of the traffic. Experienced local nightlife and had some stereotypes shattered. Walked in the rain and took lots of pictures. Left muddy footprints on the carpet in the hallway. Stuck a political poster to the car. Took it off as it was obscuring the side view. Thought about putting it back on. Experienced a very unlikely outcome of winning a couple of games of pool. Read a book about writing. Went on a hike and saw striking sceneries at sunset. Danced for the first time in a long time. Decided to try vegetarianism and had tofu, soy milk and an overpriced vegan cookie… followed by a steak later that day. Climbed the house to take pictures of the roof, not sure why. Had an informal tour of the local school’s campus. Wrote. Talked the night away. Chased the neighbors’ dog out of the kitchen. Saw helicopters and tanks. Inhaled the rain. Had breakfast at 4 a.m. while listening to some good R&B and some funky 80s tunes.

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Feeling empty inside.
Missing “old” friends incredibly.
Missing that lifestyle.
Thinking of certain things that are better off left behind for good.
Trying to forget and move on.
Trying not to be too upset about still remembering.
Trying to figure out where I’m going.
Trying to find a way there.

Still listening to Chasing Pavements by Adele
Image credit: hungerartist

Have you ever

"If my hands are fully occupied in holding on to something, I can neither give nor receive." - Dorothee Solle

I’ve been wondering through the woods today, and another circle around the grove got me confused enough to sit down and look up hopelessly. I could smell the thirst of pine and the doubt coming from my lack of direction. I blamed the sky for little guidance while I knew my meager navigation skills were to blame, and my loyal following of rare birds in lieu of trail signs, and my odd apathy toward the idea of safety.

How many haircuts does it take to get back on track to something higher, purer, more real?

* * *
Currently listening: Have You Ever by Brandi Carlile
Picture credit: Arcipello