Dreaming with a broken heart

When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
The waking up is the hardest part,
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe...

- John Mayer

I roll out and I wonder... were you really here?

You were, just the night before, and after two long weeks of excruciating pain that burned my body and engulfed my thoughts every minute of every day, for a moment there I believed we could actually be happy together. Were you really here, holding my hand, or was it just a sweet dream, a short flashback in my crazy imagination... You came back into my life, but how could I be so wrong as to think that you came to stay? We walked on the grass barefoot. You told me about my nose in your paintings. You reminded me once again how you can touch my heart with the simplest things that you say. As I drove to work, the morning sky reminded me of your palette and I wished I could blend in with it, becoming the perfect tone of your skin, the shape of your cheeks when you give me that kind smile of yours or at least a note in one of your favorite melodies, so you could hum me every now and then.

You gave me hope but you wouldn’t let me anywhere near your heart. I felt slowly falling — the wind rushing though my body like the tiny pieces of broken glass — all the way down, to the very bottom of my pain.

Have I pushed you away that far? I wish you knew all the way that I loved you no matter what I did or said. I wish I didn’t do or say the things that made you run away. I’ll go hide my tears behind the rain, wondering how many more nights I will have to die before I can let you go.

Pain

I am coming back to my senses. Things straighten up. There are only two scenarios of what happens after you fall. You either keep lying there, your face down; with pain, fury, fear and helplessness all combining into an unstoppable source of tears… Or you get up, shake off the pain and start over again. I made my choice. I get up and walk. I did have to go through the worse scenario first to realize it was not for me. It was short – just a couple of days – but it left a pain burn, a strong mark of something I never want to go back to. I don’t even want to remember how nightmarish I felt and what I thought during those days. I don’t want to go back there although somewhere very deep in the back of my mind I want to remember that it is there, so I can stay alert and never repeat my mistakes.

"A nature like yours can turn trouble into good. All this sorrow will give you strength and point you on a higher way. Think of a tree, how it grows around its wounds. If a branch breaks off, it don't stop but keeps reaching towards the light. We must meet misfortune boldly and not suffer it to frighten us. We must act the play out, then live our troubles down." It’s my favorite quote from “The New World” movie; the words that helped me somewhere on my way back up.