Crossroads

So tired. So stressed. I wonder which one comes first? It feels like there is no single brain cell in my head not involved in thinking. I haven’t been able to relax my mind for the past week… two… a month? Not sure how long it’s been. How long has it been since my last post? Maybe that long. I’ve kept my sanity so far, so that’s good. It’s always better to look at the positive side. I am at what one of my friends called a “pinnacle.” Not sure if that exactly describes it. I stand at the crossroads and there are several ways which my life can take from here. I have to make a choice, which will decide where I will be in five, maybe 10 years from now… Whom I will be with. Who I will be. Is it really for me to decide? I have to make a step forward, and every time I raise my foot, I feel as if there is no gravity ahead, no stable ground to lean on, I feel like I have to go back… I put my foot back down. This can’t last forever. I will have to make a step. Which direction do I go? Why do I even have to make this step? Can’t things just happen in their natural way, their course, can I at least get a guidance of some kind? I am absolutely lost and I hate having to choose a path that will change my life forever… What if few years down the road I figure out I am on the wrong track? Will I forgive myself? Will people involved in this choice forgive me? I guess I will never know unless I make a move.

Should I toss a coin? My sanity supply will eventually run out if I keep standing. Friends tell me, “take your time.” Why do I feel like I don’t have any? Why do I feel like this pressure of thinking will crush me if I don’t take off my “safe spot” relatively soon? I guess I have another week.

Should I give more details? Is there a need? I always feel like more people will be able to relate to this if I don’t say too much. I am relatively new to this type of writing, so I don’t even know what to expect of myself. I know I will open up more with time.