I hold a wolf by the ears. Nor do I know by what means I can get rid of him, nor how I am to keep him. ~Terence
I wanted this wolf so bad but there was one thing I wanted more. I needed to stay free. I could not submit.
I wanted to be around and learn from him. I wanted to know him but even more so, I wanted to know myself. He sparked the little whys and hows that set my mind on fire. Why live? How love? Who are we? Whom do we become as we go? Whom do we take with us and what do we leave behind? How do we improve the chosen path and how does the path improve us?
Did you ever know it, this freedom? Did you ever feel a single raindrop fall on your goosebumped arm and dive in, through your skin, to the very essence of you? Did you ever get your wings soaked yet chose to keep flying till you couldn’t breath? Did you ever have your heel sink in the softness of the morning just to keep jumping and sinking deeper and playing with your toes in the mud? Did you ever walk on petals and realized that they are but blood on the pieces of broken glass, and closed your eyes and turned them into petals again, in your head, and kept walking, and bleeding? Did you ever want to be so absolutely free as to turn down passion and eagerness and immense desire, only to remain you?
I get nauseous when thinking of settling down-getting into a certain role-staying true to that role type of scenario. The mind put to sleep gets comfortable and comfortable mind is a dangerous one. It goes in, closes the door and stays put, hanging the gun over its porch, ready to scare off intruders.
I want my mind broken into, again and again. I want to keep its door open and let it wonder as far as it will go. I want to fly and crash and fall into pieces and get myself together again as many times as it takes to learn to fly higher and watch closer and truly see the tiny creases in the palms of the world. I know it’s about time to let my wolf go for good, but it is so difficult to let go of his mind. I will, eventually, because I know that this journey through the rain, make-believe scent of tulips, broken glass, muddy terrains and some crazy tunes in my head, toward freeness… is the journey I must take alone. Like a wolf.